The Best Jokes I Ever Heard

Scroll down to ready some good ones we've heard around the office!


Mom? How old are you?

Little girl walks in the kitchen and asks, "Mom? How old are you?"

Mom is a little flustered by the question and replies, "There just some questions that you should NOT ask a woman!"

"Well, then how much do you weigh?"

That was enough and the mom shewed her out of the kitchen and into the back yard where the little neighbor girl was playing.

The neighbor girl smiled and said, "I know where you can find all of that information!"

The little girls eyes widened,"Where?"

"Just go find your moms purse and get her drivers license. It will tell you all of that and a whole lot more!"

The next day, the little girl walks into mom's kitchen and announces loudly, "Mother! You are 42 years old!"

Knowing that the little girl was right, the mom turned and asked, "Where in the world did you find that out?"

I got your drivers license and it told me how old you are, which is 42, how much you weight, which is 126lbs and it also told  me why you and Daddy got divorced!"

The mom shakes her head and replied, "My drivers license told you why Daddy and I got divorced?"

The little girl stuck her chin up and replied,"Yes it did! Because it said you got an F in sex."



"Apple Pie... Coffee'
There was a man from France who lived in a little town in Mississippi. His brother showed up for a visit unexpectedly one day, just as the Frenchman was leaving on business for two weeks.
His brother admitted, "I should have called ahead! Now I'm stuck here for two weeks and I don't speak a single word of English! Plus, I don't know how to cook! How will I eat?"
It's simple! I'll teach you how to order something in English from our local Cafe and that will get you by until I return. So, he taught his brother the phrase 'Apple Pie... Coffee.' and then went away on business.
For the first four days, the man would go to the local Cafe and say 'Apple pie... coffee' and they would serve him, he would eat and be on this way. But after four days, he was getting tired of living on apple pie and coffee. His brother phoned home and listened to his complaint, so he trained him to say 'Ham Sandwich'... problem solved.
That afternoon, the man walked into the diner and said, "Ham Sandwich."

Wheat or white?

ummmmmm... HAM Sandwich!

Yes, I heard you!!! Do you it on wheat or white?

ggrrrrrrr.... HAM SANDWICH!!!!

I KNOW THAT!! Do you want it on wheat or white bread!?

The Frenchman sighed, dropped his head and replied....  Apple Pie... Coffee.


Harry Truman in a Shriners Hat.....
A man walked into his local barbershop and noticed that the barber had put up a new picture on the wall. But, to the man's surprise, it was a picture of the Pope.
"Jim? Aren't you a deacon at the baptist Church?"
"Well, yes I am!" Replied the barber.
"Then, why do you have a picture of the Pope on your wall?"
The barber threw down his comb and scissors in disgust.
"Dang it!!! That traveling salesman told me that it was Harry Truman in a Shriner's Hat!"

More to come.... ~ Craig.